Spring to seasoned SRU students takes on a different meaning than it does to students who don’t live in the tundra of a school. While at the mention of spring, some people picture sunshine, budding plants and people lounging in the sun, SRU students experience water-saturated, muddy grass, sunshine that turns into thunderstorms and people coming out or hiding in their warm dorms and apartments to plague the quad. This is a comprehensive list of those people.
1. The “Athletes” Whether they’re stringing up a slack-line between two trees, or tossing a Frisbee as violently as the Globogym Purple Cobras in their final dodge ball tournament, “Athletes” pop up in the most visible parts of the quad to show that they’re still limber after spending six months hiding from the cold. Falls and missed passes abundant, it’s evident that we don’t go to a school where “athleticism” can be practiced year-round, but that doesn’t stop these guys from showing their amazing balancing acts on the slack-lines, or their sick Ollies on their dollar store-bought skateboards.
How to avoid them: Stick to the perimeter. “Athletes” love being the center of attention, and thus don’t shy from placing themselves in the center of the quad. Try to avoid eye contact when you can, lest they start parkouring in front of the library.
2. The Quadvangelist God’s rules don’t apply from the months of November to March, but something about April makes the Quadvangelists come out from their hiding places so they can scurry to the quad and impose their beliefs on passers-by. Whether the Quadvangelists are getting in your face and asking you if you believe in God, handing you dollar bills (cool!) with condemnations to hell on the back (boo!) or simply shouting about everything and everyone they hate, no one can deny that Quadvangelists are particularly good at getting in the way.
How to avoid them: Practice hetero-normativity in the truest state of the word, especially in front of the library. Unless you’re looking for a theological debate, just say, “Yes, Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, and I concur whole-heartedly with your beliefs, my Christian brethren!” Anything else will result in a heated debate, a debate that you haven’t the time for.
3. The Naturalist “Woah, isn’t nature, like, so precious and special?” Naturalists can be seen staring up at the budding trees, counting worms on the sidewalk, and are perpetually in a state of awe after seeing grass for the first time since November. These starry-eyed idealists don’t have time for those who aren’t enraptured by spring-time, and will thus ignore impatient groans behind them as they stroll at a snail-like pace through the quad.
How to avoid them: Take the less scenic route. The less foliage and wildlife the Naturalist can look at the better. For example, Naturalists tend to slow down at the site of any water fountain, so it’s best to avoid going to the student center at all costs.
4. The Grass Slaughterers While maintenance usually gets complaints for being lazy when it comes to salting the sidewalks, no one can ever say that about how they maintain the grass. The Grass Slaughterers can be heard revving through the quad at all hours of the day, spraying carcasses of freshly butchered grass blades over all of the picnicking Naturalists, as well as forcing the “Athletes” to pack up their games, and head back to the dorm rooms from whence they came. While they clear up all of the quad-dwellers momentarily, they also clear up the good ones who are doing nothing but giving away free cookies.
How to avoid them: You can’t. No one is safe.
5. The HvZ Adversaries You can’t tell a Humans vs. Zombies enthusiast from a regular quad dweller, except for the bandana. Oh, and the Nerf gun. Well yeah, and the steely eyed look of determination on their face. You can find HvZ Adversaries popping out from behind the huge rock in the quad, as well as scoping for victims from high up places. While Quadvangelists and Grass Slaughterers are simply misguided quad-dwellers, HvZ Adversaries are perpetuating the belief that zombies aren’t people, and should be put down, which SRU shouldn’t be standing for.
How to avoid them: When you run into someone decked out in more bandanas than a gang member, or see someone pop out from behind something with a dart gun in tow, back away out of their territory slowly. You have no way of telling if that person is a human or a zombie. While we can all agree zombies are people deserving of respect, there is no need to sacrifice your well being for them. Follow the trail of Nerf darts backwards, and hopefully you’ll lose them on your way out.
